Wednesday, February 27, 2013

My secrets(shhhh) What is it like to have a loving happy relationship with your family?

I was born into a broken family. My father had a horrible upbringing. His sisters and brothers died in a house fire with his mother. His dad was a pilot and died right before my oldest brother was born. I have no idea what that has done to our family but I know it had allot to do with him cheating on my mother and leaving. He was a good mormon husband that married my mother in the temple. Ive had to learn in my later years to love my spirituality slowly and still have trouble praying. My mother was torn down by her parents saying horrible things to her. She was told she would have to be skinny to have anyone want her. She treated her body so badly she had cancer and had to start so much medication she isn't who she is supposed to be. We got into an argument about how I feel the need to make sure my daughter masters things like music lessons and horse riding and swimming to give her confidence and a sense of mastery. She was confused why I am having financial troubles and told me to stop paying for all these frivolous activities. She tried to kill herself that night. I have had a mentally abusive step father since the age of three. He is negative and controlling and has NO sense of humor. I have tried to mend the toxic relationship but am ready to leave. I can not find any other reason to stay close to these people other than I was raised so badly I cannot find the self confidence to to become financially secure. I pay for the necessities but I do need help sometimes if something comes up like a blown tire or medical bill for my daughter. There was so many years wasted by just trying to be happy. I have had no support in my life and have had to teach myself how to do everything on my own. I had no idea what a friend was supposed to be. I was baffled by normal everyday life because I had no one to turn to that had a grasp on the life I wanted. I didn't want to have children. I knew that. I wanted nothing to do with not being able to teach someone else what no one taught me. I found out birth control doesn't work so well with me. I kept her. I am a great mom. She has taught me to teach myself what I need to know about social norms. Having friends worth having. That qualities in her are what her friends will have as well. I tell her that she is going to college. I didn't have anyone to tell me that. When I look back at my childhood it is always of memories of me sitting alone. I would be sitting in my room, telling my brother to leave me alone. Sitting at the kitchen table alone. Sitting on the front porch alone. Riding my bike alone. I would be outside at recess on the swing alone. I was in Fourth grade when I received my first F. I threw my report card away and no one ever asked to see it. I started craving relationships with anyone that would have anything to do with a broken kid. They were toxic and short lived. I moved once every year of my life from the age of 10 to 26. Most were not of my choosing. Recovery has been hard. I was super happy away from my parents but now I am feeling the repercussions of not working toward a future for myself. Finances are killing my happiness which is hard on my relationship with my daughters. I am passionate about sewing and crafts and making toys and clothes. I can sew anything by the way. I can sew for hours and not know how long it has been. I know what I need. I need to make money for inventory. I would start a techy craft busines but how do you get the support you need when you have no social experience.

Why don't people realize most of their health problems are caused by being overweight

Why won't my friend realize that her health problems are because she is overweight. She talks about when she works out (which is walking fast every month) she gets bloated. She talks about how its her Edema. Which is a pre-diabetic issue, RIGHT?!. She talks about her back pain, horrible periods and cramps and her lack of energy like they are all separate entities. I hope she can get to a place where she realized if she lost the 50 extra pounds all of those problems would go away.